Honesty, Forgiveness, Perception

I'll try not to be completely down for this entire post, but don't you just hate it when your best just doesn't seem good enough? Or when good intentions just end up making a big mess? That is how I have felt lately.

Not necessarily when it comes to Bo or the girls. I know Bo loves me no matter what craziness my hormones put him through and I am oh so incredibly grateful for that! Not that I am normally a basket case, but this pregnancy has been weird folks!

And I do feel like we are making progress with AB's behavior lately, even though it is hard and I do have to repeat myself  A LOT. She is definitely in the "does better with choices" stage. Her speech has taken off recently, so I know that is part of her(our) frustation and struggle. I'm blessed to have such a sweet, smart girl. She did overwhelm me a good bit last week, but I feel like all my praying about that this weekend is starting to pay off and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. A long, tiring tunnel, but not an endless tunnel ;)

Most of my frustration and feelings are associated with family in law issues. I tried to avoid drama/hurt feelings of one person and ended up causing a hard feelings with another one. I'm assuming all is better now(I cannot stand the thought of her not trusting me now), but it is just hard to tell how long people hold grudges or if one little thing will cause them to shut you out. Maybe I'm sharing too much, but that is kind of how I am... one big open book. I mean, you all have seen a picture of me right after giving natural childbirth in a pool of water. I don't think I can be more real than that!

Anyway, this little patch of drama has made me think about forgiveness and how people perceive me. Forgiveness was/is something I struggled with for so long. Up until Beth Moore's studies about James and David, I'm not sure I understood true forgiveness. It hit me how bad this was when I realized that my lack of forgiveness could keep me from having a deeply intimate relationship with God. And that only with his help, could I truly forgive not just get past.

I took quite a few things to heart from Beth's James study about forgiveness:
"Several years ago a dear friend told me something she felt God was asking her as she resisted reconciliation. 'Do you want to be right? Or do you want to have a relationship?'"
"Loving God and loving others does not equal hating ourselves...Imagine how mangled our bodies would be if we took care of them the same way we tend to our hearts."
"Our devotion to God and true religion is illustrated most poignantly on the pages of other lives. "
"Because we look up, we're compelled to look out. This is a fount from which blessing flows; 'Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.' Matt. 7:1-2"
"We need something bigger than justice. We need mercy - the kind of mercy that arches triumphantly over the seat of judgement like wings of golden cherubim over the mercy seat."
"Lord, shake us out of the slumber of our self-helplessness and awaken us to a mercy so wide that we rise to the light of the east while our transgressions set in the west. This is the mercy that breeds mercy. This is the love that loves others as itself. This is the law of the Great King."

And I called myself a Christian ;) I have to frequently remind myself that we are all in different places on our journeys and it is so wrong to judge another, even our Christian friends. But I won't get started on the whole judgement issue!

 Then there is how people perceive me. I try not to care. I know the only person I should be living for is God, but there have been those thoughts, "I wonder what she said to who about the situation and what they think about me, because of what she said? Did she make me sound like a horrible person? This person doesn't really know me and now they think what? I was only trying to avoid Christmas drama!" But I know those thoughts cannot be my focus. If someone wants to be upset with me, even after I have apologized for any misunderstanding, I have to let that be their problem. If they choose not to trust me, that is how it will have to be. If a person who doesn't know me chooses to think something about me that may not be true, I cannot change that. I can only live this life striving to do God's will and let him work out the rest. Maybe it is part of his plan. I know that letting go, is how I will find peace.